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Sometimes I fancy myself a critic. Here are my ratings systems.

MOVIE TITLE
(Movie rating bubbles, from 1-6)
Has Emilio Estevez in it.
Might as well have Emilio Estevez in it.
Didn’t have Emilio Estevez in it.
Didn’t have Emilio Estevez or any of his siblings in it.
Emilio who?
And last but not least, the ever-elusive six bubble rating because there are so many levels of suckage that I had to up the standards to cover them all…

My rant about the movie.

Some type of list

1. You know, reasons why the movie sucked, etc.

So there. Now you have it. Forget Epert and Roeper (or whatever his name is). Check back here for the best reviews of all the movies you’ve never heard of or ones you never wanted to see!

J’s Standardized Animated “Kid’s” Movie Clichéd Plot Grading Scale™

Considering that I review a lot of kid’s movies, I came up with this plot grading scale. Movies start with 10 points, then points are added or subtracted depending on whether the movie contains kid’s movie clichés.
What the results mean:
<0: A particularly offensive or just plain bad kid’s movie
0-5: The average tripe that they spoon feed to kids
5-10: Better than usual, but still has flaws
>10: Walt would be proud

1. The Lead:
1. Subtract 1 point if the lead is a plucky, misunderstood brat with questionable morals.
2. Add 1 point if the lead is female, unless she has to be rescued.
3. Add 1 point if the lead is someone you wouldn’t mind your children hanging out with.
2. The Bad Guy:
1. Subtract 1 point for a ridiculously over-the-top villain.
2. Subtract 1 additional point if they are stereotyping an ethnicity.
3. Add 1 point if the bad guy was originally a good guy.
4. Add 1 point if the villain is realistic, yet menacing (character-wise, monsters or creatures are okay as long as they are not ridicuolous).
5. Add 3 points if there is no villain or if the conflict is really the lead character trying to overcome some inadequacy in themselves.
3. The Bad Guy’s Sidekick:
1. Subtract 1 point if there is a bumbling sidekick for the villain.
2. Subtract 1 additional point if they are stereotyping an ethnicity.
3. Add 1 point if the villain does not have a sidekick.
4. The Sidekick:
1. Subtract 1 point for a bumbling sidekick for the hero.
2. Subtract 3 extra points if it is played by Robin Williams.
3. Subtract 1 more point if 90% of their jokes involve flatulence or getting kicked in the nads.
4. Add 1 point if the sidekick is actually useful.
5. Add 1 point if there is no sidekick.
5. The Love Interest:
1. Subtract 1 point if there is a ditsy, meek female love interest or a strong female who gets weak later on.
2. Subtract 1 extra point if she has exaggerated jiggly boobs or butt.
3. Subtract 2 extra points if she needs to be rescued.
4. Add 2 points if the love interest can or does kick the leads butt.
5. Add 3 points if the love interest rescues the lead (unless the lead is a woman).
6. Add 1 point for each if the love interest is: overweight, flat-chested, has bad hair, has buck teeth, has glasses or is smarter than the lead.
7. Add 2 points if there is no love interest (these are kids movies after all).
6. Not Age-Appropriate:
1. Subtract 1-3 points for instances of the lead character(s) getting intoxicated, being involved in organized crime, or making thinly veiled sexual references.
2. Add 5 points if Common Sense Media rates the movie as appropriate for 5 or under.
3. Add 1 point if you would let your 5 year old see the movie.
7. Stereotypes:
1. Subtract 1-3 points for stereotypes, be they racist, sexist, age-related or whatever.
2. Subtract 5 extra points if the Hispanic steals, the Asian has big teeth, the Italian is a plumber or makes pasta, or a Native American wears a headdress and does a rain dance.
3. Subtract 2 points for EACH time any ethnic character (particularly a Native American), starts a sentence with “me” followed by a verb.
4. Add 6 points if the movie was made before 1970 (to offset cultural bias of the time period).
5. Add 2 points if the lead character is not white.
6. Add 3 points if the love interest is not white.
7. Add 1-3 points if the movie goes out of its way to break stereotypes.
8. Excessive Violence/Carnage:
1. Subtract 1-3 points for excessive violence or overly scary imagery.
2. Subtract 2 extra points if the main character’s family, best friend or pet gets killed.
3. Add 1 point if no good guys die.
4. Add 1 point if no bad guys die.
5. Add 2 points if the deaths adequately tragic and teaches a lesson about how to deal with the loss of a loved one. IE: Nemo, bad, Old Yeller, good.
9. Questionable morals:
1. Subtract 1-3 points if the lead character steals, lies, cheats, kidnaps, kills or gets involved in organized crime to win the affections of the love interest.
2. Add 1-3 points if the lead actively condemns or fights any of the above.
10. Mock History:
1. Subract 1-3 points for blatant historical inaccuracies (not minor things like clothing or language). This may be tied to number 7.
2. Subtract 3 extra points if any ethnicity is portrayed with glowing red eyes or if any political leader is portrayed as a benevolent, cute old man, particularly one who enslaved entire races and built monuments out of the carcasses of his slaves.
3. Add 3 points if the movie shows that there is no good or bad in war, just different sides.
4. Add 1-3 points for historical accuracy.